Introspections

it may be time to make a few new icons. I admit though, I'm not motivated to do much on LJ these days. every time I logon now I get inundated with REALLY ANNOYING embedded commercials that I sometimes have to watch all the way through before I can do anything. I'm not about to become a paid member, so mostly I have just been checking for updates and then moving on. not like there's much to blog in detail about, anyway. life is just life lately, nothing exciting to report. --well, I guess I do have a few small tidbits this week.

I love when I can leave Irene on the floor to kick around after a diaper change. she throws her feet up into the cutest poses, like she's a gymnast or yogi. sometimes it looks like she's pulling some karate moves on someone ;)

Mom put together my tax return this afternoon and I got to walk through it with her. I think it's time I got comfortable with this tax stuff; even though mom is very generous about doing it every year and acts like it's nothing, eventually I will need to do it for myself. Jeff can do his, I should be able to do mine. Anyway, thanks to her work I have found out I am getting a REALLY BIG refund this year, way bigger than any I've ever gotten before. we are talking $4,000! And Irene's getting a $1,000 tax credit, too. It just couldn't come at a better time. Why do I need this money? I have a credit card bill to pay, I need to renew my DMW license by the beginning of March, and today, after getting an oil change, I got an estimate for some small-but-expensive, and vital, repairs needed for my car. I'd also like to get that darned hood replaced, finally.

I *think* this mom business is starting to get a bit easier. It has its ups and downs, but at least the routine of it doesn't wear me out as much as it used to. It depends a lot more on how well I am taking care of myself than how Irene is behaving. If you take me out of the equation, you have a perfect angel. I only wish she were able to walk and talk, so I can take her places and teach her things and be able to tell her I love her, knowing she can understand me.

On Friday last week I had my first job interview for, of all places, the library. Thanks to a former coworker, I heard about a page opening that was just about to go into interviews. This was about two weeks ago now. I called Bill about it and he told me they still had an interview spot open, which I could fill if I turned in an application. so I went right in later that day and filled one out on the spot. I got a couple of folks to agree to be references for me. And then on Friday morning I went back and interviewed with Ronda and Bill. Which.....was.....a little bit weird. I wasn't exactly uncomfortable, maybe a little awkward, because I'd just been working with these two for three years, until last October, and it was strange to be asking them for a job again, and a lower level one at that, knowing they could give it to someone else. but I tried to be relaxed. mom's advice was to remember to smile as much as possible and try to be charming. I think it went pretty well! I hate the kinds of questions they ask in interviews, and I admit I didn't prepare at all to answer any of them, but I did my best on the spot. I was asked basic questions, like, why I wanted the job; and then some kind of strange ones, like, what are some repetitive work tasks that I hate doing (to which I had to say I couldn't think of any, and I felt like I sounded kind of dumb saying that, but in my experience it's been pretty true); and there was one hypothetical question, about what I'd do if a friend came up to me at work and tried to engage in conversation, which I had to answer honestly because it has happened to me before and I did allow myself to visit for a few minutes and be distracted from my work. then Bill put out two stacks of cards, with call numbers on them, and asked me to arrange them in the correct order. I nailed the first stack but botched the second because I had sorted it into 3 piles and then put the piles together in the wrong order and didn't check it before handing them back. I only hope they don't hold it against me, since I paged for about two years and am pretty sure I only very rarely made shelving mistakes. Technically, I've paged for more like 4 years, if you count all of he work I did at HSU, too.

Doggonit, it looks like perserverence has won out for this bug that Jeff had. It kept trying, and failing, to get to me, for almost two weeks, but today it seems to have succeeded, because I have a hoarse throat, a bit of congestion, and I feel a bit rundown. it feels like I'm losing my voice, too. I'm afraid it might have gotten to Irene, too. I mentioned it on Facebook, so it isn't really news, but she had a fever the other night and a bit of a drippy nose. she hasn't seemed herself the last few days. no more drippy nose, but she's tired all the time and crabby when she's awake. her poos have also looked a bit different lately, curdly and sometimes green, whereas they're usually mustardy and very, very soupy. Guss all we can do is rest and hope it passes quickly. I'm not letting it get me down!

Oh yeah, and since the government is giving me so much back this year, I'm going to turn around and use some of it for something I've been dreaming about for months now: a therapeutic back/neck massage. seriously, desperately, needed.

This is so weird. why can't I seem to gain any weight? I'm adhering to the "stuff my face" diet, I swear. I am addicted to eating. I rarely go more than an hour without putting something in my mouth, except for during the night. but it looks like I am still going downward on the scale, or barely holding my weight where it's at. is it okay to be 93 lbs at my age and height? it doesn't feel horrible, but it doesn't feel right, either.

time for a junk food binge day. I used to have tons of them when I was pregnant, but lately I've actually had very few of them.

Week #2 of 6 of staying out at the cabin for a night has been completed. The going was so much easier than it was last week, which was more like a trial run. I even made it to the cabin before Jeff got off work, so I beat him there by 30 minutes. I think we can keep this up for a few weeks. It gets very cold out by the river this time of year, but I'm learning how much to bring with me to help keep Irene and myself warm. It takes a backpack full of diapers (at least ten) and blankets, plus a diaper bag full of spare suits, shirts, pants, and socks, to make it through one day without washing anything! it isn't even a whole day, either :\

we only had one problem, and that was getting slep, and it had nothing to do with where we were. Irene was just really gassy, fidgety, and fussy all night. she slept as soon as we got up and going this morning and I had set her in her car seat--figures!--so she is getting her rest now, whereas I am exhausted, spacey, and restless. and I have a million things to do, which I am avoiding, of course :) junk food binging and playing on the computer take precedence right now.

( post-partum body stuff )

so hey, I submitted my first application for a job the night before last! CR has a clerical pool that they are hiring for, and it's super super part-time, so I thought I'd give it a try. Jeff and I both are getting lots of practice job-hunting right now. He wants to move up from his current coaching job to something that can actually support the three of us, and I am looking to find something I can do, just so I can be working and contributing to the household again. That, and I'm trying to reopen my unemployment insurance case again. I'm hoping that, even if I don't find work, while I keep looking for a job I can remain eligible for UI. Jeff's applied for four jobs so far, I think, and while he actually landed a temporary job working as a spanish-english interpreter for the census beaureau, he wants to drop it if he gets rehired to work at Green Diamond.

okay, okay, I'm done binging on junk food. time to binge on some good food, maybe?

I guess even Irene can tell today is a lazy day; she has been sleeping on and off for most of the morning.

I was so excited for Saturday to arrive all week, so I could get my food stamps and go shopping. I waited all day at home, with Irene, for Jeff to get home from work and things to settle, thinking we would all go together in the early evening. And I was super hungry. By my standards, we had absolutely no food in the house. Jeff can take an egg and a piece of toast and make breakfast, lunch, or dinner out of it and be satisfied, but I can't. We were out of fruit, vegetables, all useful condiments for making cracker sandwiches (including the crackers), nuts, snack-y things (like dried fruit), and whatever else I could be creative with in a jam, with the exception of a butternut squash soup I made a few days ago.

so.........around 4:30, I went out to the shed to start a load of clothes drying, and right after I pressed the start button the shed started to shake. Earthquake! WOW, I have never been so scared during a quake before! It wasn't even that long, but in the space of less than 30 seconds I remember eying the roof of the shed and taking in the loose ceiling panels and thinking that they could cave in on me; wobbling over to the shed door and grabbing tightly onto the door frame; noticing everything around me shaking (I've never been outside during a quake before and thus have only seen things within a house shaking before) and thinking the house may be in danger (and Jeff and Irene were both in the house on the couch, sleeping, when I left them); screaming "Oh my God, oh my god!" really loud, in a panic, because I thought I was in danger; and then starting to hyperventilate as the quake ended and the shaking wound down.

Jeff had been calling to me in the house, and then he finally opened the porch door and called outside and I called back that I was okay. I tried to start the dryer again and discovered the power was out, and I was a bit TOed about that. it didn't even occur to me at the time that other places may be out of power, and I hadn't thought about what damage would be taking place during the quake in, say, a grocery store.

So basically, my much-anticipated shopping trip was delayed by nature. Overall, Saturday was a super-weird day for me. Like I'd stepped into another person's world for a day.

I wanted to get something to hold me over until Sunday, so after visiting at mom and dad's house Jeff took me to Safeway to get some crackers and stuff. It was such a madhouse in there; it felt like we'd entered an emergency shelter or something. over a hundred people crowded all of the aisles and checkout stands, and people who probably wouldn't normally converse in a supermarket were having conversations about life and what they'd experienced during the quake. Even Jeff and I talked to a few people briefly.

And then Sunday arrived and I got to go on my big shopping trip, and honestly my world is looking much brighter today after getting to spend an hour traipsing up and down the aisles, picking out whatever I wanted and not having to worry about the dollar amount we were going to spend. I have fun food shopping, and I felt like dancing.

I got so many good things. this morning I had to actually decide what I felt like making for breakfast. Up til now I've been limited mostly to satsumas and bananas and basic salads and minimally-filled cracker sandwiches, the latter two being made with the same three, four, or five things every time.

I know, I know, I'm going on and on about food; not very interesting news. but it's so important to me right now. since Irene's birth I have been struggling to put on weight--or rather, not to lose any more of it--and part of the problem is that I am still working on finding out which foods help me and which hurt me. another issue is that I eat so few calories compared to most people out there, and now I need to get even more when I wasn't getting enough to begin with. or  nutrition. or balance. there is now a lot of variety in the house, so I can finally focus on getting variety and being more creative with my meals. yay!

I haven't felt much like writing about my life or feelings lately. I haven't felt like doing much of anything, really.

For a few days now I've been feeling pretty weak. maybe I'm anemic, I'm not sure. but I've been having shaking in my limbs and dizzy spells, where it feels like things are moving or that I am moving. since I'm lacking sleep, this isn't too surprising. but I hate what I'm experiencing and I want it to go away. I've been really irritable to the point that I want to scream, and I feel so tired I'm losing my motivation to respond to Irene. I feed her, because she needs me to, and then I either hold her til she gets upset, or I pass her to Jeff, who has a lot more energy and patience for rocking, walking, and bouncing her.

this has been going on since the weekend, I guess, which was pretty stressful. We'd planned a trip to Maple Grove to visit with Jeff's family and help with the cider press, and most of the trip went well, but there were a few snags. It's hard to plan a trip with a one-month old, even for just a couple of days and relatively close to home. We ran out of diapers the first day and needed to wash them at the cabin, and Irene had a few fits that we couldn't seem to find a cause for, or solution for, and we got virtually no sleep in the guest room. my neck was really sore when we came home. I'm extra grateful to be back home sleeping in my own bed, and now I feel like I need to recuperate from the trip. It's already Thursday, but I'm still really off.

To top it off, our house looked like it had been ransacked from all of the Christmas chaos and lack of cleaning the few days beforehand. we were so busy it got put off. so I plowed into it a few times over the weekend, when I probably should have been resting as much as possible. today Jeff and I both worked on post-Christmas cleanup, and it left me really drained and super irritable. now I'm home alone with Irene, because Jeff wanted to go visit with his brother Brian and wife Maren before they go back south, and I'm not too happy about it. Irene isn't having me much, except to feed, so I feel kind of helpless right now. I wish Jeff were here. when he holds her in his lap, she goes to sleep. in mine she just fidgets and cries to eat when she isn't really hungry.

I don't know what to do, so I guess I'll just watch a movie until he gets home. :\

Stress.

last night I hit a pretty solid rock bottom for stress. I relapsed into a fever AGAIN in the afternoon--this seems to coincide with re-introducing feeding on the left breast,; it is just NOT working :\ I guess the crack in the nipple is creating a vulnerable spot for bacteria to converge after feeding, that is all I can figure. *sigh* I am suffering from periodic.....I don't know that I want to call it PPD (postpartum depression), but it's definitely some kind of knockout depression. I feel like these episodes are not unlike episodes I've had while pregnant, and while Jeff's and my relationship was still really new, and that there is always a reason for them that relates to something going on in my body or head--something chemical.

well, anyway, it can be tough sometimes. but I am at my worst when I'm tired and feeling sick. I just wanted to rest last night, but Irene was having a bad night. she had been working on a poo all afternoon, one she couldn't get out, and she made it worse by wanting to nurse constantly to comfort herself. she would eat and fall asleep, then wake ten minutes later, be bothered by the poo, want to nurse, and the cycle kept repeating like that over and over until bedtime. Plus she'd had a really long nap late in the day and was a bit hyped up around bedtime. She was gnawing me to death and wouldn't let either Jeff or me sleep--well, I mean, she wouldn't go to sleep, so we couldn't either. I got so tired and frustrated with Irene and with my fever I started taking it out on Jeff, and I refused to feed Irene at one point because I was tired of being gnawed on. it wasn't helping her, and it was feeling really uncomfortable--overstimulating, in a bad way. she actually did better when I stopped nursing; I put her on my chest and gave her my finger, and she fell asleep around 4 and finally let me sleep for a few hours.

I don't know what to do about this repeat-infection problem. mom has advised me to keep feeding on the left side for a few minutes at a time--that is ultimately helps. I am not finding this to be the case. I have gotten an infection every time I started nursing on it again, and it leads to clogged milk ducts, which makes it heavy and firm and uncomfortable, and it will stop leaking, so I have to manually massage it until it gets unclogged to get the milk draining out of it again. I don't want to keep going through this process, I have waaaaaay too many other things to focus on. I am doing fine feeding exclusively on my right side right now, so long as Irene doesn't go on a gnawing spree. the darned thing just needs to heal already!

I figured out last night that Irene clearly has (at least) two different, distinct feeding patterns. Her usual one is to take long, slow drinks, because she is hungry. This other one, the one that makes me feel really uncomfortable, is when she sucks really hard and fast. This is her I-need-help feed. I'm feeling like I want to avoid this kind of feeding! it puts me in such a bad mood, and it doesn't seem like it is helping her. maybe other people would disagree with this--I think I've heard/read the advice to feed her whenever she asks to be fed--but I think there are other ways, even this early, to try and comfort Irene, without overfeeding her. I don't know; is that possible? well, maybe not in theory. but what happens to any of us when we overeat, or eat to feel good? we usually feel temporarily good, and then we feel bad. Breastmilk is all good, but too much at one time gives Irene hiccups, or it makes her gassy and irritable. she cries miserably when she suffers from either of these things, and in turn I suffer.

you know, because she always makes a hungry gesture when she's upset, Jeff has been thinking that there isn't anything he can offer Irene to comfort her. but last night he spent a lot of time trying to calm Irene, to give me a break, and I think he made some progress in getting more comfortable with Irene. Today, he and Irene spent a lot of time together, her sleeping in his arms quite a lot, and I can tell he likes it when he can help her.

so, today has definitely been a lot better than yesterday. Irene finally had her crazy poo (we always cheer for Irene when she gets it out!), and we took a walk through the forest near the Manila Dunes, which was a good workout for me (I am determined to get back in shape and be a strong, fit mama). then we drove out to this local tree lot in Loleta, where you pick and cut down your own tree, fresh. we picked out a super funky 6' shore pine that was discounted to just $10 because the trunk is a bit crooked and it has a huge bald spot in the middle--in other words, it has a lot of "character" and was cheap, both reasons why Jeff really wanted to get it. I decided I wasn't going to be picky, since he was buying the tree. it actually looks really nice now that it is in our living room; I think we can make it work. :]

it feels so good to feel happy. it seems like it takes a lot of things falling into place lately for me to stay that way, but I try to appreciate it while it lasts. I'm kind of talking moment-to-moment--it seems like my stress levels rise easily and are hard to settle down once they rise, and subsequently I get really upset and inward, and I get depressed--generally, though, I am really happy. Never do I regret starting a family, or being in a relationship, or any other fact of my life right now. I opted into this situation, knowing I wanted to be a mom, with all that comes with it.

It seems like everything hits you really hard in the beginning, whether you are ready or not: exhilaration, exhaustion; a need to readjust and heal from the labor (three weeks of bleeding and heavy discharge, woohoo!); rapid, sudden physical changes--some great, like getting to be skinny again, and some difficult to get used to, like getting your milk in and then getting it all over everything; a new baby with growing needs, and the task of developing a rapport and some form of communication with her. we have over 30 receiving blankets, 20 or so spit up rags, and about 20 diapers, and even still we need to do two loads of laundry a day to keep up with all the pooing, peeing, and spitting up. some things are starting to retain stains since I don't have time to soak everything thoroughly anymore. the first few days, in which Irene slept for sometimes more than four hours at a time, seem like a dream: now I'm lucky if she sleeps for a 3-hour stretch, and I usually need that time to do other things instead of resting or enjoying myself. every time I figure something out, or manage to get the house somewhat in order, I feel so accomplished, so proud, so thankful! it's always one small step toward an easier, less complicated situation.

and oh my goodness, Irene is going to be three weeks old in less than three days! I still look at her and feel like, I don't know, she must have been with me all my life somehow, because I can't imagine life without her in it now that she is here.

I have to get out of this house as soon as possible.

wow, North Country Clinic was more accommodating than I thought. all we had to do was ask the receptionist there to stamp each of Kate's report papers, and she did! she was very understanding about our situation. so.....

a social security card is on the way. yay! that's two steps down, one more left to go.

I'm starting to want to take Irene for car rides all the time. I know it's not good for her to be in the car all the time, but I swear she is about 80% more like to get a poop, or some gas, out, because she relaxes more in the car, and she is easier to nap; at home, she often wakes up as soon as I put her down. it's sort of helpful for all of us. Jeff and I both need to get out of the house and away from the stress of being cooped, and we need Irene to nap so we can catch a break.

whew, big errand day. we were out running errands for about 5 hours. it feels like we're tying up a lot of loose ends today--that, and getting the house cleaned up a bit. It's weird, I was totally out of commission from a fever yesterday, but today I feel energetic and motivated to kick all tasks in the butt and get them out of our way. my body has been all over the map since Irene was born. I am up, I am down, I feel great, I feel horrible. I never know what I will be next!

you know, I don't want to jinx it, but despite what everyone keeps telling us, we are still getting quite a bit of solid sleep at night. Irene is not collicky, and when she falls asleep beside me in bed, she tends to stay asleep for several hours. we went to sleep around 10:30 last night, and she didn't wake me up until around 4, and it was because she was wet. then she woke me up a couple hours later to feed her. I got a good rest in because of it. hopefully, she will continue to be able to sleep for long stretches like this.

wow, Social Security workers seem to be trained not to recognize a live baby when they see one--unless, of course, it is accompanied by a signed paper from a doctor saying that it exists.

we were so close to having Irene's status as an American citizen fixed today. we did as Kate advised us and took the labor/birth report over to Vital Statistics, where we got her a birth certificate (FYI: her official legal name is Irene Jean Taylor Hayes). alright! one step down, two more to go. So, next, we took the BC down to the Social Security office, where we had a half hour or so wait, plus I needed to change Irene there and I felt awkward having to calm her down afterward in a room crowded with people who were looking a bit put off. this is where we hit an unexpected snag. the clerk who helped us spoke pretty poor english, and she kept acting like we were the ones speaking poor english. she asked me for proof of birth, and I showed her the BC, to which she replied that that would only prove the date of birth, and that we needed a note from a doctor for having either a wellness exam or an immunization. well, I'll be damned. it ocurred to me last minute that the labor/birth report was signed by Kate, who is not exactly a doctor, but she does have medical standing as a diet consultant and intake worker at North Country. So I pushed that point with the clerk, who got another clerk and went out of the room to powwow over it. They finally came back and informed us that if a doctor at the clinic would sign and stamp something official on the report to authenticate it, then we could use it as proof of birth. aiyiyiyiyieeeeeeeee.....

it isn't exactly a rush thing.....but at the same time, it is. I am supposed to report on my QR7 to DHHS, for food stamps, that I have had my baby, and for them I also need a birth certificate plus a social security card for Irene. it isn't that I really, really care if Irene is legalized. I certainly don't want there to be problems getting her help or anything down the road due to it, though. but, my food stamps are supposed to kick in in a couple of days, so I'm worried there could be problems with it if I don't get this report taken care of really soon.

and my fever has come back, which sucks. I am all jitters and throbbing; everything aches.

wow, I am amazed that I have been able to nurse Irene to sleep and put her down in the boppy twice this morning. she probably would have slept all morning, but she pooped in her sleep and I had to disturb her to clean it. aside from a really bad rash on along the insides of her thighs, she is doing great. each day we are given some new challenge to riddle out, and sometimes I do get really frustrated--more with myself than anything. but, you know, I am really lucky: I have Jeff, my teammate, always looking out for both Irene and me when we're struggling. we figure it out eventually, or my energy improves and I cope better. we've had to stop and talk through things a few times. it feels good to have my feelings heard every once in a while.

I guess you could say I was getting something like cabin fever up til yesterday, feeling really trapped inside the house with all that is attached to it. getting out for the day was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. later on, when I was home again and settled in, that feeling started to creep up on me again, and only after I had a good, long talk with Jeff did I start to feel better.

it feels like the milk flow is starting to get a bit regulated. it was coming in so intensely at first that one of my breasts got a clogged duct and was really full, and it hurt. it has been having trouble since then, with the nipple hurting more and more each time Irene feeds on it. I haven't fed her on that side since last night--I am afraid to. the pain is getting really hard to deal with. I keep putting liquid Lanolin on it, hoping it will heal soon. since the duct is no longer clogged and it does not feel very full--plus it leaks every time I feed on the other side--I'm trying to leave it alone for a bit, give it air, keep it medicated. hopefully it will be okay to not use it for maybe a day or so.

while I was out yesterday, Kate had come by our house and missed us, so she squeezed some papers into the door frame that she wanted to give us: it was a copy of our birth report, complete with a pretty full account of my labor and delivery, plus Irene's APGAR scoring at 1 and 5 minutes and a few other details. We need this report in order to get Irene a birth certificate, so I'm glad she dropped it off. I was also interested simply in reading it, to see their take on the labor. it is pretty accurate for peripheral details; it certainly doesn't cover what I went through internally, psychologically or emotionally, but it records some of my contractions and their patterns (well, there weren't really any patterns to them the whole time) and how I delivered Irene, how the midwives facilitated, etc. it was a good read. I will have a nice, concrete account of Irene's birth to keep around, and I like that. somewhere around here should be Jeff's log of the contractions, as well. it has gaps in it, I'm pretty sure, but I'm pretty sure he got a lot of the important initial details and some of the big steps in the labor progression. plus, we were face booking some of the progress; there's that, too ;)

I'm kind of glad Kate missed us, actually, because Jeff and I both seemed to have come down with a cold, and I don't want to spread it to the midwives, or anyone else, for that matter. So maybe that was for the best.

so, you know, I had this huge volume of clothes I'd been picking up toward the end of my pregnancy, from the Free Store ad elsewhere, all of this stuff I couldn't try on, or that were just slightly too small to wear at that point, that I was eager to come back to and try on once Irene was born. I've been going through some of it today, since Irene's been sleeping a lot, and--well, it's not frustrating, exactly, but.......well, there just doesn't seem to be a happy medium for me! everything that was just barely too small, is now WAAAAAAY too big. like, all of the pants. not a single pair in this one box fit! I had six pairs,I think, of various pants, some I really liked, too, and was excited about getting to try on. Nothing. one of them, too was even too SMALL. A lot of the shirts are working out, but the pants are all no good. I am thinking I will find that a lot of the pants I wore during the third trimester are now no longer going to work, either, and some I wore before I was pregnant may now not, as well. my shape hasn't really changed, but it's different all the same.

you know what else? I've actually lost weight. my pre-pregnancy weight was 96. yesterday I weighed in at 94 at mom and dad's. and that's after having gained breast weight and extra skin over my stomach. so I'm a little weirded out. how I'm going to bulk up again, I don't know. I looked my arms over good yesterday, and they seem so bony. I guess, on the plus side, my appetite is better now than when I was pregnant, and I'm drinking more fluids.

oh, baby. still sleeping away. what an angel face.

yay, I got to talk to Eleanor today! I am so anxious for you bay area sisters to come up to visit. I want to see you and introduce you to Irene.

well, we did it: we managed to make a trip to the library after all today. it was quite an ordeal! not only did Irene do her classic have-a-big-poo-once-we're-out-in-public performance, for which we were at least semi-prepared today, but I also felt worn out by the time we'd scaled the library twice, looking for people who hadn't seen Irene yet. I checked the staff whiteboard after our first trip around and found four more people were still around whom I hadn't run into yet. I was feeling really weak simply from walking up and down stairs in the building, but I held on, wanting to make the most of our visit. I will have to go back at some point, for Janet, Heather, Ronda and Kim were gone and missed out and I really want them to get to see her.

Cheryl was horrible. she looked me over (after gawking plenty at Irene and making a fuss over her) and demanded to know how much I ended up gaining in total before Irene was born. my estimate was about 18 pounds. Which is probably pretty much all gone now, but I won't know for sure until I find a chance to weigh myself somewhere. but anyway, she said it was disgusting how I'd gone right back down to my original size. she is being lighthearted and is only teasing, but she's given me a bit of a hard time throughout my pregnancy about my weight gain being so small. I can only say that I do think having maybe a couple more pounds of extra weight may have been beneficial to me during the labor, but that Irene and I both did fine with the amount I had. it was just enough for her and me.

we also made a P.O. run (more amazon sales) and went to Grandma Joyce and Grandpa David's, since we hadn't made a home visit with Irene yet. We also got a good dinner out of it. never can pass up a free dinner from Jeff's parents. I was starving by the time we got there and then afterward I felt much, much better. and Joyce got to have some quality time with Irene; she seemed to really enjoy it. Irene actually opened her eyes for Grandma Joyce for a moment, and usually she plays coy and pretends to be sleeping when we go out, so that was a big deal. :)

my tear wasn't looking so bad to me earlier, but this afternoon it was bothering me a bit, and when I checked it out a while ago I could see it still has a lot of healing to do......and I'm pretty sure it's going to heal up separated, with something of a layer of flesh hanging toward the middle of my vagina--or, my "yoni," as the midwives like to call it. ah, it's hard to explain, and you probably don't want the details, anyway. Bramble had had a similar tear, and she said it doesn't create any real problems down the road--you usually just have to "adjust it" if, say, you were having sex. well, okay, then! it's not gross to me, just weird. what can happen to our bodies, just like that. I'm calling the labial tear my "battle scar"--that and the strange, mouth-like shape of my belly button from being stretched so far. AND the faint stretch marks below and above the belly button. they are all actually really fascinating--beautiful, even--marks of what I went through.

happy one week, Irene.

Violet, our landlord, called Jeff last night, and told him we should apply for section 8. this would have never occurred to me to do, of course, because section 8 usually doesn't apply to a living space like this. but it was Violet's idea, not ours. it may not work out, because, like with cash aid, they look at all house members' assets, and Jeff's savings keeps being a nuisance in that area. but if it did......oh, it would really, really help us. Section 8 would pay up to 70% of our housing costs, depending.

I don't know if Violet normally would accept Section 8, but I do know that she seems to like us and she knows our situation and wants us to be able to keep renting from her. It feels great to have people care enough to make offers like this to us.

we got another lucky break financially, from Kate. She found a sort of "scholarship" donor who should be able to put $500 down on the initial $2000 in midwifery fees we owed our group. that brought us down to $1500, with Kate knocking off another $300 for the labor Jeff has done--and will do again, I think--helping her move things in and out of her house, for which another new father was putting down new flooring in her living room in trade for midwifery services. She is so nice about labor trades. so, that left the fees at $1200, which Jeff has already paid.

my angel is finally sleeping away on her little Boppy bed. She managed to keep me up for most of the early morning with off-and-on feedings, between 5 and 8, but she also let me sleep for a few big chunks during the night. my energy is much better today. My fever went away after I got cozied up in bed, and the feedings also helped a lot. my throat is the only thing that is still mildly sore today. it may have been I had a mild breast infection, but it's hard to tell. everything ached, so it could have originated anywhere.

so, this is the first day since the birth that Jeff is actually back to work. He had some calls to make for Inside Sports, which he finished today, but now Thanksgiving break is over and he is actually going back to the schools to teach the kids indoor soccer again. So I am on my own for a few hours this afternoon. I feel like I want to go out, but I know I should continue to rest and save energy. that, and also I don't feel confident I can pack Irene up and take her out on my own. It's less complicated when Jeff drives and I sit in the back with her. I don't know, though. I would like to take her to the library to see my coworkers as soon as I can.....

I gave Jeff a hug before he left, and he said, "my God, you are so skinny." yea. my ego is totally in bliss right now. I missed my skinny self. I know I wasn't fat when I was pregnant, but I love being able to feel my stomach again. I love being able to move. I want to get on that rebounder and jump until my legs collapse!

very successful feeding this morning. Irene is taking a nap in Jeff's arms. I am finally getting to sit and collect myself.

we slept on the memory foam mattress in the living room last night--an experiment: see, the living room is closer for a lot of what I may need to get up and do/get in the middle of the night, plus the heater runs out here and it stays nice and warm for us--and aside from one feeding around 3:30 in the morning, I was able to sleep quite a lot. Irene wouldn't sleep right after feeding, but we lay down together under the covers and she eventually kicked herself to sleep (I'm guessing, because I fell asleep at some point while she was still kicking and sucking on her hand). When I woke up I realized we were both cuddled up side by side, and she was perfectly calm. She even pooped--three times in a row--and remained sleeping.

But I am not feeling quite recuperated today. it was sleep, but not a good sleep all the same, since the mattress was too close to the hard floor and it was challenging to manipulate my pillows right during the night. I woke up twice this morning, terribly stiff. everything aches today: my throat, my breasts (my left side swelled up during the night, probably from not enough feeding, and though the feeding this morning was great and it helped, it's still really sore), my gums and teeth, my arms, calves, butt, abdomen--it's still working on stuff, for sure--and my tear, a bit. I was afraid maybe I was getting a fever. And yet, I had to get up and deal. I needed to go to the bathroom and clean up my tear. take a bath. start a load of laundry (all of my maternity bras but one got ruined by milk yesterday), and wash yesterday's dishes. breakfast only happened about half an hour ago, and it was pretty minimal. clearly Irene needed to eat before we could do anything else. if Jeff ever puts her down, too, he'll have to get to work. he has a bunch of children's soccer league participants to call up to notify of their first upcoming futsal game this weekend.

dah, I know I should be napping or something right now. this little break could be over at any time, depending on Irene's needs. She is still being so, so good for us. she is perfect. It doesn't mean she isn't a boatload of work to take care of, though :]

well, I had a bit of an "accident" last night.

Irene is being a complete angel for us. she had some trouble getting back to sleep during the night, but I think it is more because she wants to nurse, but she has this tendency to throw her right hand up as a stand-in for the breast, and once its there, she fights to keep it there and won't work to latch on and feed, and she gets really flustered and upset when I start trying to force the breast on her. I figured out that if I grab onto her hand and hold it, she will calm down, but I am still having a hard time getting her to eat on the left side. even the right side, too; it's just more likely to take than the left.

so.....last night. I finally managed to fall asleep with Irene, holding onto her hand. we cuddled up side by side under the covers around 5:30, and I awoke just after 8 and realized right away that my clothes, the foam mattress, and my pillow were soaked. in milk. Irene was wet all over, too, and she'd pooed onto both the foam mattress and my pants as well. it was freezing this morning, and despite that Jeff and I had to rush out of bed, warm up the house, and get the mess under control. in addition to that, I keep waking up feeling about ready to wet myself, which I nearly did as I was trying to get the dirty things into a pile to put into the soak bucket. Nature's Miracle minimized the damage to the mattress, fortunately. my pillow and one of the blankets are going to need some good washing.....

to think I was worried I would have trouble lactating. I am having quite the opposite problem, and it's only been three days. I feel like I have no way to control the flow! When Irene feeds on one side, the other one will drip milk like a leaky faucet, no matter what I do! it is so, so weird. but, I don't know, then, how to keep it under control at nighttime, when I'm sleeping. I can't be having "accidents" every night that I'll have to clean up every morning. I won't be able to keep up, and the wetness is terribly uncomfortable. that, and I think I will need to get some advice on how to get Irene to feed. if it is a matter of getting "caught up" or something, then I need to do it now!

on the plus side, I got sleep. I have energy for another day. so, while Irene is continuing to be an angel and is sleeping away, I'm going to have to pick some chores to do. get the house under control. Jeff's going at it, too, getting the living room cleaned up a bit. I have this H-U-G-E pile of clothes in the bedroom to attend to. it may (finally!) be time to start trying on all of those things I couldn't even touch when I was pregnant. God, how I missed my body...... :]

I have a little angel sleeping nearby.

Irene has been so good and calm these last couple of days. My milk just came in late last night, and right away the feeding got a bit easier. She's still working on it, but this morning we definitely had some good progress: two 15-20 -minute feedings, resulting in her falling asleep on my lap around 10:30. She's been sleeping soundly since then. It seems like the milk was a cue for some other improvements, too. Her face is less blotchy today, and her snorting has stopped. she is breathing evenly without any noise, through her nose, now.

Grandma Joyce came by to see her just a moment ago. She has offered to make and bring us dinner tonight. hmm; deciding what I want for dinner is tough enough when I'm making it. Irene doesn't know what a great family she has been born into, but she is sure to pick up on it soon enough.

I've been trying to check out the progress on my tear from the labor since yesterday. it's not an area I've looked at a lot--in my entire life, I mean--so I admit it seemed like a lot of gibberish at first. But today I looked at it and I feel lie I have a better idea of what Claire, one of our midwives, was trying to show me the first night, in a mirror, of where the tear is. there is a flap of the labia the folds down where the tear is, and it looks like it is very red but is healing alright there. It will not look normal again afterward, I'm sure, because I didn't get it stitched. but the soreness is very, very mild. I am not feeling it at all today, except for when I first got out of bed. So....I'm feeling like I want to venture out of the house today. soon, in fact. I want to run a couple of errands today, and the sooner I do them, the better. that, and my calves are so stiff that I got a charlie horse in one of them walking around the kitchen. they need to MOVE.

It's going to be so weird going out in public with this brand new being, not knowing how she will behave or what I can do for her in a public setting. I am not sure I feel comfortable trying to feed her in the open, and I don't think I want to try the Moby wrap yet, either. It's time for yet another new experience.

Jeff's parents brought us leftover plates of Thanksgiving food yesterday, and one of the sweetest parts of it was Joyce setting aside some sweet potato pie filling for me, since she knows I can't eat the crust. I feel so spoiled! it's going really well with this leftover cashew whipped cream I had in the fridge, too; makes an excellent breakfast ;)

I was a little bit worried yesterday about Irene, since she only had one 20-minute feeding session for the entire day and then only wanted to sleep. I kept trying to offer her food, on both sides, and she wouldn't latch on. But sometime in the middle of the night, after she'd been sleeping with Jeff and seemed to be making sucking gestures, I took her to my side and worked with her for a while until she finally grabbed on. once she got going, she really went at it. poor thing really was hungry, she's just having difficulty orienting herself, I think. one side is a little trickier than the other side, too, so it's probably going to be a bit of an uphill job to get her to feed on both sides each time. but at least now she is getting that she CAN figure out how to eat. she just had a good, long stretch and now she's taking a nap.

I'm thinking about writing a log of some kind, while my memory is still fresh, of my labor. Jeff kept a log during it, which was mostly timing events like contractions. but I would like to have something a bit more introspective, going over what I was experiencing and feeling at different times. if I can find a moment to put Irene down while she's sleeping, I think I will start working on that. Irene is going to get to hear quite a fun story about her birth some day: how her sac broke in the middle of the night, giving me a nightmare that I was peeing all over myself; how well she did her job; how I pushed her out over the toilet. oh, that will be the best part for her, I'm sure ^_^

I am scheduled to go in for a "non-stress" test and ultrasound next Monday, to check amniotic fluid levels. I'm not obligated to go, though. in theory, this is just a backup plan to have in place once I've gone two weeks past my date. I feel like I should be, or have already gone into, labor by that point, but if I don't......well, Kate thought it would be best to have the appointment set up and ready, in case, since it is holiday time and it's harder, when the clinic is so busy, to get something for the time you want unless you do it in advance. Still, I was hoping it would at least be more like Wednesday or so of next week, after I'd maybe seen the midwives again. I just hope it doesn't come to that.

I was totally feeling more energetic the last couple of days. at the moment, though, I feel a bit weighed down. I'm going to go ahead and blame food. Too many heavy things lately. I had a big rice pasta dinner at Joyce and David's last night, too.I never mean to eat so much at their house, but then I always go overboard and feel backed up later. I just remembered a thing I read about honey being used as an anti-inflammatory agent for muscles and organs in the body, so I went ahead and downed a spoonful of some really good apitherapy raw honey, and it does feel like it is helping my intestines relax a bit. relaxation is exactly what I need. I was feeling all like I wanted to go walk around before this intestinal discomfort hit, and then all I wanted to to do was be home resting in a comfortable position.

So I've re-opened shop at Amazon for the time, trying to sell a few things. Jeff just offered to pay off my Capital One credit card, which had gotten up to about $200 before I realized I wasn't getting unemployment and had no means to pay the damned card off. So I've stopped using it. but I feel like, darn it, I have to do something if I'm going to make it along through the rest of the year without having to ask Jeff for every single little thing I want or need for myself. it isn't like I have a lot of goods to sell, but I have a few. I put up 14 things today and I already sold two, for a whopping $15 profit. yay! .....well, it's something, anyway. :] the big one I'm hoping to sell is this collectible Playstation game I've kept around, which I was able to list for about $80. I've got my fingers crossed: someone, please buy it!

it figures the silver lining of my days would be found in a trip to a thrift store.

that said, I had the best thrifting experience today. ^_^

Jeff was my chauffer today: he took me to few places to thrift and do errands, one of them being Lots 4 Tots, where I took back some things and found another Kushies cloth diaper. I think I only have three or four of them, but they are really good quality diapers. they must keep well, too, for these used ones don't even look used. That reminds me, the diapering service my coworkers bought me never got in touch with me about setting things up, so I guess I'm going to need to *remember* to call them this week and see what's up.

Then we went to Discovery Shop together. I'm pretty sure that part of the trip was only fun for me and maybe a little painful for Jeff. DS had just opened up all of their Christmas decor to the public today, after working for 2 or so weeks on setting it up, and so I was really eager to go check it all out the first day. I had to scour scour scour the place for anything good, but I happened to accidentally run into that copy of The Snowman in board book format that I was looking for last time I was there. I found the complementary plush Snowman doll at Rescue Mission last week, so now I actually have the set. it's terribly cute, I'm afraid I'm a sucker for it. I also bought a little Russ trolly ornament that is dressed like an elf...and I found a Rhonda Reindeer (Rodney's counterpart, which mom didn't want in her collection) and decided I'd get it for my own display. it can represent Irene in our house. :] Then there was this pair of gift box earrings that were kind of cute, so I got those, too. I spent about $5 altogether, which is about all I have at this point.

The best thing I found, though, was bought for me as a gift by Jeff. We were wandering around the table displays, and we saw this mini Rebounder-style trampoline leaning against one of the tables....and it was only $10!!! It looks like it is brand new, and it feels so good to bounce on it. (yes, I know, I'm pregnant. I didn't go crazy on it, just jumped on it lightly a few times...though I wish I could go crazy on it!) Jeff said that was going to be his Christmas gift to me. fine by me! ^_^

so my day is looking up now. Actually, it's been a good day, just a bit on the boring side. I have been feeling pretty good today. I wonder if it's a sign, like the whole sudden burst-of-energy/nesting myth. that'd sure be nice......let's hope that's it, yep.

I saw an ornament at Miranda's Rescue today that was a figure of a little kid playing soccer. guess where that ornament is now? ;)

I'm not sure how to keep myself busy and preoccupied anymore. I feel like I'm just killing time, all the time. I miss being a productive person. I have some energy today, but I don't want to waste it.....and yet, I don't want it to simply go to waste. The only thing I could think to do is thrift and make a clothing dropoff at Lots 4 Tots. it's basically what I do every day when I have energy.

It looks like I have another prenatal with Kate tomorrow. I know I need to keep touching base with the midwives, but I don't know what else will come out of it just yet. it's probably best if I avoid doing a VE, even though it could determine how well the cervix is ripening--but the thought has crossed my mind a couple of times. I've tried to do it myself and I'm still not sure exactly what I'm feeling, and I don't want to accidentally scrape the amniotic sac or something. I keep looking for signs that things are progressing, and a lot of the time it feels like Irene is just hanging out in there, perfectly happy, with no reason to come out. I feel like I have tried many different things to help her along and I'm getting nowhere. It would help if I knew exactly what she needed, or how long she needed. I'm waiting on a great big fat unknown.

I don't know how I go from being irritable and fatigued one day, to motivated and energetic the next. it is all feeling so random these days. all I know is I managed to keep myself distracted for another day, and it was a pretty good one at that. Jeff and I went back into the forest to get some holly clippings for holiday decoration. then later, we went to Headwaters Forest Trail and walked around for an hour or so, observing (and photographing) about a million different kinds of mushrooms we found. Then later still, we went to mom and dad's house so Jeff could watch the final US MLS soccer finals game on ESPN. I played a game of Mario Party 2 with Brian for a couple of hours, and then I took a trip up to the loft with dad to see if mom had kept any of those funny Hallmark girly reindeer that she didn't like. we couldn't figure out what had happened to them, but mom had a stash of the boy reindeer set aside for future grandchildren.

I feel like I want a set of those now! I'd love to have some more old-school decorations to place around my own house, but I know mom isn't going to give up any of hers, so Im thinking I may have to ebay a set for myself one of these days. I know, Im silly. I want one of those Santas like we have in that set, too @_@